Acceptance. That is a very strange word in my vocabulary. And still I've manage to come to a point in my life where I can finally use that word with true pride and meaning. I've had a lot of things I've had to come to terms with in my life and I never really did accept them. I was born at 22 weeks and have a disability where one leg is longer than the other and I have scolosis in my back and had to be in a back brace for many years as a child. I get stares by children and adults everywhere I go. It used to bother me but I accept it. They don't understand so why let them get to me? I can't live like that. I used to be so full of hate and anger because of this. But now I look at myself as blessed. I should be dead. I shouldn't be here at all. I used to want to die and contemplated suicide more than once. All through school kids picked on me and hated me just because I was simply different than them. I developed lots of anxiety and socail anxiety and felt very exhiled from my peers and society in general.
But now I don't even think twice when someone stares at my in the grocery store. I love my husband for being so understanding about it. It tortures him to watch people stare at me. But I'm just happy I've found someone that loves me for me. And my son...I can't begin to describe how much he has helped me change and accept myself. He loves me no matter what's wrong with me. He looks up at me and my heart melts. I know he's only 6 months old and that the day will come when he wonders why him mommy is so different than other kids at school. But we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. I love the person I've become, sure I still have some creases to work out but I'm getting there. I accept myself with a open heart for the first time ever.

I used to think that life was a joke and that nothing good was ever going to happen to me. I was just cruising through life and did nothing to contribute to my own well being. I'm to the point in my life where I know each day really truly is a blessing and I should be thankful. I am truly thankful for all that God has given me. He's given me two legs, regaurdless if they work like everyone else. I can at least walk. I have been given a beautiful wonderful soulmate and we together made an amazing child. For now my family is healthy and happy  I couldn't ask for more. In my past I did things I'm not proud of but I accept them and they are nothing more than water  under the bridge. Really if those things hadn't happened I wouldn't be who or where I am today. So thank you to all the people that screwed me over.
I accept that I'm not going to live forever and there are many things that I want to do in this life and I need to move forward and work toward my goal.  have much to say and much to do and there is no better time than the present to do them. And with these two by my side I'll own the world someday =)

Here I stand fully engulfed in this few life. It feels so  liberating and exciting. Still there is part of me that is unsure. Unsure that this is really real. I feel so refreshed. The anxiety doesn't run as rampant through my veins as it used to. I'm getting used to this new role. Still I can't help but wonder if maybe this is too good to be true. I'm trying hard to fight that thought because I know for once it's not true. I deserve to be happy. I've spent far too long being depressed and upset. I have a new lease on life. More importantly I have a new life growing within me. That to me is the most important thing. There are so many things that can go wrong in life. i spent so many years dwelling on them all. I'm 22 years old and have majority of my life still ahead of me. I'm going to soak up every moment I can. I'm in love with the most amazing man any girl could ever ask for. I have a beautiful son on the way. I'm getting married. Yes, I can finally say that things are starting to fall into place ever so nicely. I really am blessed and can't ask for me. My brother is healing nicely. He is getting back to his old self. I think it's time that I did the same. Life goes on even after tragedy. I don't think I learned that until now. Which in  a way is sort of sad, that it took me that long to realize how much of my life I've really wasted. Things will work out though. They have to. I will not let these negative thoughts win me over. I deserve all the happiness in the world, just like the next guy. It's such a huge step for me to  admit that. But at least I've made it this far. I see that this entry is just me running around in circles so I think I'll go for now and just leave it at this.